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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Complete Honesty...

The point of this blog post is not to throw myself a pity party, but to address some concerns my friends have that I am hiding or running away from something. I'm not entirely sure how to make my current world make sense, but here goes:

Have you ever wanted to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE," not because you were mad or upset, but because the thought of having to answer one more question or solve one more problem made you want to sit in the floor and cry?   That's exactly where I've been for 3 weeks now.  Nothing is wrong, that I can think of.  I'm just exhausted - physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I am 3 classes away from finishing my Seminary program and those classes are taking all of my spare time and energy; my job is entering into the busiest 45 days we have all year; my mom had surgery 3 weeks ago. There is just a lot going on.  I have a hard time putting into words where I am and what I am going through. I was reading an old Beth Moore blog today and this is what I found :

"One reason I have a quiet come over me in a season like this is the pure length of time that can be involved. Yesterday someone I’m crazy about shot me a very loving text that included, “How is it all going?” and I never answered it because it’s going the same as it went last week. Anybody understand what I’m saying? This dyed in the wool sanguine likes to say, “SO MUCH BETTER!” I don’t like to burden people long term. Oh heck, I don’t like to be burdened long term either. Who does?? In our humanity, we all wear out eventually. But sometimes the fact is, we’re not quite at the point of so much better yet. We will be. Make no mistake. Those of us who are willing to let Jesus minister to us in the deepest parts of our souls and knead the crushed grain of brokenness into break will indeed be so much better. It’s just a matter of time. Satan will indeed be defeated. And God will make sure he’s sorry."
 
 
Friends, please see this as my way of saying, "I'm OK." I just need some time to work through some lessons God is teaching me. I don't want to share them with you. I want to cast them at the feet of the ONE who's burden is light and yoke is easy. His responses are pure and Holy. He has no hidden agenda and knows exactly what my future looks like - good, bad or ugly. I tweeted earlier this week that God is teaching me 3 things right now - 1. Sometimes, isolation precedes revelation. (Jesus went off by himself when he sought out answers from his Father. I only want to do the same.)  2. Loving unconditionally doesn't require unlimited access. (Don't take this wrong, but I can love you as a friend or family member and not give you complete access to my thoughts and feelings.) 3. Rest is essential. (I've been running hard and I need a break.) 
 
I hope none of you take any of this personally. Please know I wouldn't hurt any of you for the world. A season has just come when I need to focus on me and allow God to fill in the cracked places of my heart. (they are plentiful for a plethora of reasons!) The "others first" girl is sure to return eventually, just hopefully with a better understanding of when to say "no." It's hard learning to be a Martha AND a Mary all wrapped up in one Brandi!
 
Love you all!