Complete Honesty...

The point of this blog post is not to throw myself a pity party, but to address some concerns my friends have that I am hiding or running away from something. I'm not entirely sure how to make my current world make sense, but here goes:

Have you ever wanted to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE," not because you were mad or upset, but because the thought of having to answer one more question or solve one more problem made you want to sit in the floor and cry?   That's exactly where I've been for 3 weeks now.  Nothing is wrong, that I can think of.  I'm just exhausted - physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I am 3 classes away from finishing my Seminary program and those classes are taking all of my spare time and energy; my job is entering into the busiest 45 days we have all year; my mom had surgery 3 weeks ago. There is just a lot going on.  I have a hard time putting into words where I am and what I am going through. I was reading an old Beth Moore blog today and this is what I found :

"One reason I have a quiet come over me in a season like this is the pure length of time that can be involved. Yesterday someone I’m crazy about shot me a very loving text that included, “How is it all going?” and I never answered it because it’s going the same as it went last week. Anybody understand what I’m saying? This dyed in the wool sanguine likes to say, “SO MUCH BETTER!” I don’t like to burden people long term. Oh heck, I don’t like to be burdened long term either. Who does?? In our humanity, we all wear out eventually. But sometimes the fact is, we’re not quite at the point of so much better yet. We will be. Make no mistake. Those of us who are willing to let Jesus minister to us in the deepest parts of our souls and knead the crushed grain of brokenness into break will indeed be so much better. It’s just a matter of time. Satan will indeed be defeated. And God will make sure he’s sorry."

 

 

Friends, please see this as my way of saying, "I'm OK." I just need some time to work through some lessons God is teaching me. I don't want to share them with you. I want to cast them at the feet of the ONE who's burden is light and yoke is easy. His responses are pure and Holy. He has no hidden agenda and knows exactly what my future looks like - good, bad or ugly. I tweeted earlier this week that God is teaching me 3 things right now - 1. Sometimes, isolation precedes revelation. (Jesus went off by himself when he sought out answers from his Father. I only want to do the same.)  2. Loving unconditionally doesn't require unlimited access. (Don't take this wrong, but I can love you as a friend or family member and not give you complete access to my thoughts and feelings.) 3. Rest is essential. (I've been running hard and I need a break.) 

 

I hope none of you take any of this personally. Please know I wouldn't hurt any of you for the world. A season has just come when I need to focus on me and allow God to fill in the cracked places of my heart. (they are plentiful for a plethora of reasons!) The "others first" girl is sure to return eventually, just hopefully with a better understanding of when to say "no." It's hard learning to be a Martha AND a Mary all wrapped up in one Brandi!

 

Love you all! 

Good enough no more....

This blog is so difficult to write, yet God won’t let me work on anything else until it’s done.  I’m stuck; at least I think I am. Nothing seems right anymore.  For those of you who know me well, you are aware of my need to plan things. I am not the “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of girl at all. While I don’t necessarily have to know every single detail, I like to know the when and how of most situations. Having said that, there is a lot of uncertainty and doubt in my world these days, and as you can guess – I am not handling it well. As this point, I am not entirely sure what God is trying to teach me, but the human side of me is wishing He provided a syllabus. 

Over the last few weeks, something has been stirring within me that has caused me to question so much about my life; my job, my friends, my calling, my plans for the future. I’ve decided that “good enough” is no longer good enough for me. Wanna know why? Two reasons: 1.Because “good enough” isn’t good enough for Christ and 2. Because you’ll notice all four of those topics began with “my.” John 10:10 tells me that Christ came so that I may have life more abundantly, not “good enough.” Proverbs 16:9 says “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.” All day long, I can make choices that I think are best for me in that moment, but the truth is that ultimately God has a plan for every portion of my life. My only responsibility is to do the best I can with what He gives me.

I’m pretty sure a big change is on its way. What does this change look like?  That is the part I don’t know.  I know He is moving, my world is too off kilter for Him not to be moving – I just don’t know what the plan is.  What I do know is that He is always on time and He is ALWAYS faithful! I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God has called me to greater things than what I am currently experiencing. I just have to wait for Him to open the door.   

Yesterday, after several close encounters with the Holy Spirit; I should have been on ministry overload. Instead, I went home completely discouraged, questioning what I really had to offer my church and the worship team I serve with.  I opened up my Bible and turned to Psalms – one of the books I always go to when something seems off. This is what I found:

Psalm 37 (Amplified Bible)

³ Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.

⁴ Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.

⁶ And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday.

⁷ Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.

¹¹ But the meek [in the end] shall inherit the earth and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

¹⁶ Better is the little that the [uncompromisingly] righteous have than the abundance [of possessions] of many who are wrong and wicked.

¹⁸ The Lord knows the days of the upright and blameless, and their heritage will abide forever.

¹⁹ They shall not be put to shame in the time of evil; and in the days of famine they shall be satisfied.

²³ The steps of a [good] man are directed and established by the Lord when He delights in his way [and He busies Himself with his every step].

²⁴ Though he falls, he shall not be utterly cast down, for the Lord grasps his hand in support and upholds him.

²⁷ Depart from evil and do good; and you will dwell forever [securely].

²⁹ [Then] the [consistently] righteous shall inherit the land and dwell upon it forever.

³⁰ The mouth of the [uncompromisingly] righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks with justice.

³¹ The law of his God is in his heart; none of his steps shall slide.

³⁴ Wait for and expect the Lord and keep and heed His way, and He will exalt you to inherit the land; [in the end] when the wicked are cut off, you shall see it.

³⁹ But the salvation of the [consistently] righteous is of the Lord; He is their Refuge and secure Stronghold in the time of trouble.

⁴⁰ And the Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they trust and take refuge in Him.

 

Can we say FAITHFUL?!?! 17 of the 40 verses in this chapter spoke directly to me, so much so that I am living with them day in and day out for the rest of the month. It’s such a reminder that regardless where my mind and heart wanders to, He is faithful to bring me back into focus. I have no answers - actually just questions, but I'll stay faithful to the One who has all the answers.

I don’t know where you are today or what you may be facing, but let me just assure you that you are not alone. The Creator of the universe knows your name! He loves you and has great things in store for your life – just let Him lead.