Complete Honesty...

The point of this blog post is not to throw myself a pity party, but to address some concerns my friends have that I am hiding or running away from something. I'm not entirely sure how to make my current world make sense, but here goes:

Have you ever wanted to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE," not because you were mad or upset, but because the thought of having to answer one more question or solve one more problem made you want to sit in the floor and cry?   That's exactly where I've been for 3 weeks now.  Nothing is wrong, that I can think of.  I'm just exhausted - physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I am 3 classes away from finishing my Seminary program and those classes are taking all of my spare time and energy; my job is entering into the busiest 45 days we have all year; my mom had surgery 3 weeks ago. There is just a lot going on.  I have a hard time putting into words where I am and what I am going through. I was reading an old Beth Moore blog today and this is what I found :

"One reason I have a quiet come over me in a season like this is the pure length of time that can be involved. Yesterday someone I’m crazy about shot me a very loving text that included, “How is it all going?” and I never answered it because it’s going the same as it went last week. Anybody understand what I’m saying? This dyed in the wool sanguine likes to say, “SO MUCH BETTER!” I don’t like to burden people long term. Oh heck, I don’t like to be burdened long term either. Who does?? In our humanity, we all wear out eventually. But sometimes the fact is, we’re not quite at the point of so much better yet. We will be. Make no mistake. Those of us who are willing to let Jesus minister to us in the deepest parts of our souls and knead the crushed grain of brokenness into break will indeed be so much better. It’s just a matter of time. Satan will indeed be defeated. And God will make sure he’s sorry."

 

 

Friends, please see this as my way of saying, "I'm OK." I just need some time to work through some lessons God is teaching me. I don't want to share them with you. I want to cast them at the feet of the ONE who's burden is light and yoke is easy. His responses are pure and Holy. He has no hidden agenda and knows exactly what my future looks like - good, bad or ugly. I tweeted earlier this week that God is teaching me 3 things right now - 1. Sometimes, isolation precedes revelation. (Jesus went off by himself when he sought out answers from his Father. I only want to do the same.)  2. Loving unconditionally doesn't require unlimited access. (Don't take this wrong, but I can love you as a friend or family member and not give you complete access to my thoughts and feelings.) 3. Rest is essential. (I've been running hard and I need a break.) 

 

I hope none of you take any of this personally. Please know I wouldn't hurt any of you for the world. A season has just come when I need to focus on me and allow God to fill in the cracked places of my heart. (they are plentiful for a plethora of reasons!) The "others first" girl is sure to return eventually, just hopefully with a better understanding of when to say "no." It's hard learning to be a Martha AND a Mary all wrapped up in one Brandi!

 

Love you all! 

Good enough no more....

This blog is so difficult to write, yet God won’t let me work on anything else until it’s done.  I’m stuck; at least I think I am. Nothing seems right anymore.  For those of you who know me well, you are aware of my need to plan things. I am not the “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of girl at all. While I don’t necessarily have to know every single detail, I like to know the when and how of most situations. Having said that, there is a lot of uncertainty and doubt in my world these days, and as you can guess – I am not handling it well. As this point, I am not entirely sure what God is trying to teach me, but the human side of me is wishing He provided a syllabus. 

Over the last few weeks, something has been stirring within me that has caused me to question so much about my life; my job, my friends, my calling, my plans for the future. I’ve decided that “good enough” is no longer good enough for me. Wanna know why? Two reasons: 1.Because “good enough” isn’t good enough for Christ and 2. Because you’ll notice all four of those topics began with “my.” John 10:10 tells me that Christ came so that I may have life more abundantly, not “good enough.” Proverbs 16:9 says “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.” All day long, I can make choices that I think are best for me in that moment, but the truth is that ultimately God has a plan for every portion of my life. My only responsibility is to do the best I can with what He gives me.

I’m pretty sure a big change is on its way. What does this change look like?  That is the part I don’t know.  I know He is moving, my world is too off kilter for Him not to be moving – I just don’t know what the plan is.  What I do know is that He is always on time and He is ALWAYS faithful! I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God has called me to greater things than what I am currently experiencing. I just have to wait for Him to open the door.   

Yesterday, after several close encounters with the Holy Spirit; I should have been on ministry overload. Instead, I went home completely discouraged, questioning what I really had to offer my church and the worship team I serve with.  I opened up my Bible and turned to Psalms – one of the books I always go to when something seems off. This is what I found:

Psalm 37 (Amplified Bible)

³ Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.

⁴ Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.

⁶ And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday.

⁷ Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.

¹¹ But the meek [in the end] shall inherit the earth and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

¹⁶ Better is the little that the [uncompromisingly] righteous have than the abundance [of possessions] of many who are wrong and wicked.

¹⁸ The Lord knows the days of the upright and blameless, and their heritage will abide forever.

¹⁹ They shall not be put to shame in the time of evil; and in the days of famine they shall be satisfied.

²³ The steps of a [good] man are directed and established by the Lord when He delights in his way [and He busies Himself with his every step].

²⁴ Though he falls, he shall not be utterly cast down, for the Lord grasps his hand in support and upholds him.

²⁷ Depart from evil and do good; and you will dwell forever [securely].

²⁹ [Then] the [consistently] righteous shall inherit the land and dwell upon it forever.

³⁰ The mouth of the [uncompromisingly] righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks with justice.

³¹ The law of his God is in his heart; none of his steps shall slide.

³⁴ Wait for and expect the Lord and keep and heed His way, and He will exalt you to inherit the land; [in the end] when the wicked are cut off, you shall see it.

³⁹ But the salvation of the [consistently] righteous is of the Lord; He is their Refuge and secure Stronghold in the time of trouble.

⁴⁰ And the Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they trust and take refuge in Him.

 

Can we say FAITHFUL?!?! 17 of the 40 verses in this chapter spoke directly to me, so much so that I am living with them day in and day out for the rest of the month. It’s such a reminder that regardless where my mind and heart wanders to, He is faithful to bring me back into focus. I have no answers - actually just questions, but I'll stay faithful to the One who has all the answers.

I don’t know where you are today or what you may be facing, but let me just assure you that you are not alone. The Creator of the universe knows your name! He loves you and has great things in store for your life – just let Him lead.  

realized truth...

Some realizations have hit me hard this past week. This list is not all inclusive and may seem trivial to you, but it describes where my mind and heart are these days...

·         Life is short.

·         Time is sacred.

·         Growth is painful.

·         Heartbreak is inevitable.

·         Encouragement is vital.

·         Rest is important.

·         Love never lasts long enough.

·         Jesus is more than just my Savior.  He’s also my hero, life, joy, strength, support, safety, defense, love.

·         A season exists for everything under the sun:  birth, death, planting, harvesting, healing, crying, laughing, grieving, dancing, embracing, turning away, searching, keeping, throwing away, tearing, mending, silence, speaking, love, hate.

·         My identity is in Christ. He determines who I am. Other’s opinions carry no weight.

o   I was not created to solve everyone’s problems.

o   I was not created to be the door mat upon which people walk.

o   I was not created to save the world.

o   I’m stubborn and difficult.

o   I’m allowed to have bad days.

o   I’m not afraid to work hard, or love hard.

o   I am loved beyond measure.

o   I’m strong, but also weak.

o   I’m worthy of your time and attention, and so are others.

·         God created the valleys, not just the mountains.

·         My effectiveness as a worship leader is directly tied to my desire to sit at the feet of Jesus.

·         My walk with God is different from your walk, and that is ok.

·         Not everyone will love me, or like me.

·         When I am determined, get out of my way.

·         Change doesn’t scare me.

·         The last 30 days have been overwhelming.

·         Resurrection isn’t possible without death.

·         The people you spend your time with will impact your future.

·         If you aren’t surrounded by people who will speak truth and encouragement into your life, RUN.

·         You can’t change other people; love them where they are.

·         There are people in my life that shouldn’t be there.

times are a changin....

Just a quick post to fill you in on my attempts to get healthy.  Unfortunately, genetics and heredity are not on my side when it comes to high blood pressure and diabetes. In an attempt to avoid future medication and hopefully side step the same diagnosis of most of my family, I have begun working out 5-6 days a week and have cut my calorie intake dramatically since mid April. Thanks to www.myfitnesspal.com this trek has been a much smoother climb than I thought it would be.

 Below are three pictures - the first was taken in early June, almost a year to the date before #3; the second was taken in mid Feb; the third was taken about 2 weeks ago. 

June 2011

Feb 2012

A loss of 27 lbs!  :) I'll take it.   June 2012

I'll be honest, I have slacked off this week. Only been to the gym twice and have eaten everything I can get my hands on.  I'm just going to blame this momentary lapse in judgment on the strep throat I am currently being treated for. 

Uninformed Expectations...

This week, well really this year, has been one of reflection for me. I don’t often sit and ponder on the past. I’m more likely to have the next 6 weeks of life planned out than I am to look back at things I can’t alter or change. Let’s just say its part of my “OCD” tendencies. J I guess the fact that my 10 year high school reunion is quickly approaching has had some affect on this journey down memory lane.

Have you ever had that moment where the thought crosses your mind that life is nothing like you thought it would be? I’m not complaining, for I am TRULY BLESSED, but I’d be lying if I told you that my life is exactly what I pictured it to be when I was younger. To be completely honest, my life is nothing like what I thought it would be. Throughout the last 4 years, a paradigm shift has taken place with my hopes, dreams and priorities. The girl who once wanted to be a prosecuting attorney and put criminals behind bars is now an adult who wishes she could walk away from all responsibilities and sing for a living… (seems kind of backwards doesn’t it!) All of those “goals” I had as a graduating senior are just slight memories. So what happened?

Well, I turned my life over to Jesus completely – 100% holding nothing back – in February of 2007. I was saved as a young teenager, but never really lived the life of a follower of Christ until after college. At some point, every “Christian” makes the decision to be bought in or sold out. The difference is the same as a fan and a follower. I was “bought in” when I earnestly prayed the prayer to ask Jesus into my heart, making me a fan. I “sold out” when I made the conscious decision to live my life in total abandon for what God called me to in this one life, making me a follower of the teachings written in the Word. Am I perfect? Um-No! Do I still sin and make mistakes? Most definitely! I just attempt everyday to get out of bed and do what I can to positively impact the Kingdom. There are days when I feel like thee world is attacking me from all angles and I just want to surrender to the pressure. Then I remember John 16:33, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” As believers, we were never promised an easy road; never promised all joy and no pain; never promised every prayer would have a “yes” answer. To think this is to have uninformed expectations.

At age 28, I have no clue what my future looks like – BUT I do know that I trust the One who has complete control of it. He has allowed old friends to resurface, a change in professional direction, and so much revelation that I cannot quite wrap my mind around what the next 6 months will look like, much less the next 6 years. There are still many things I seek from this life (marriage, children, no debt, and others) but I have chosen to lay it all at the foot of the cross in anticipation of what God has in store for me. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I cannot force my ideal life to happen. I continue to work hard and push forward, all the while begging God to use me in some significant way – significant to the kingdom, not the world. After all – the one scripture that continues to echo in my mind is Philippians 1:6, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you (me), will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

As I’ve rambled here, I hope you’ve been encouraged in some small way. Surely I’m not the only person in the world who feels that I am “in waiting” for what God has planned for this one life He has blessed me with.

Be blessed today!

Billy Graham in Quotes

Two book reviews in one week?  I am on it!  

I absolutely love to study the ministry of men who have defied social norms and made a profound difference on Christianity. Billy Graham is one of these men. In the book, Billy Graham in Quotes, readers will find a collection of quotes in reference to an abundance of topics; topics that include addiction, church, death, forgiveness, greed and many more. Written by his son, Franklin Graham, this book offers guidance comprised of published books as well as personal writings. I really enjoyed this book and the insight it offered into the mind of a great man of God. It’s always interesting to read of the opinions of people who have spent their lives digging deep into the things of a Holy God.

As with other books that are primarily focused on the thoughts and opinions of others, Billy Graham in Quotes offers a great one time read, but I question whether or not I will read it a second time. This book would make a great coffee table book or even gift book for those who enjoy Billy Graham or just love quotes. I would recommend to anyone to read it at least once, as it will offer a great level of insight into Billy Graham as a man and a preacher.   

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

The Word of Promise New Testament

It has been quite a while since I have critiqued a book for BookSneeze, so I thought it was time to do so again. I actually have been listening to this most recent book on audio cd.  It's called The Word of Promise New Testament. I have never been a fan of audio books, but this audio version of the Bible is one of my favorites. Whether on a long drive or just in the car for a few minutes, it’s nice to hear Scripture that will encourage your day. Being that the New Testament is where I spend a lot of my devotion time, I thoroughly enjoy hearing the Word vocally interpreted. The dramatization by well recognized voices aids in the understanding of the Scripture and makes the Word come alive. I will say that some of the background music and noises can be distracting. This particular version is read from the NKJV. I would like to hear it in the Message or New Living Translation.  

This cd set would make a great gift for those who are on the go on a regular basis. I would not recommend these audio cds to replace your copy of the actual written Word, but they do provide a new perspective that would be useful as an additional resource.

Fasting?

This morning, while reading my Bible and listening to some intense worship music, I found myself hearing the words “I’m faithful!” It was so clear that I had to look around the room to ensure I was alone, not that I’m sure it was even audible. Right after that, the song “Freedom Reigns” came on my phone.  Holy cow did I almost jump out of my chair. I don’t listen to Pandora much anymore since I discovered Spotify, but this morning just felt the desire for a change. God did not disappoint. Over the next 30 minutes, these songs began to play – How He Loves, Always, Shout Unto God, Hosanna & Perfect Love. I don’t know where you are in your walk with Christ or how He speaks to you – but for me, I couldn’t quite control my emotions after these songs played back to back. To me, He is truth, freedom, love, perfection, in control, jealous for my affection, always faithful. He always delivers! I encourage you to sit still for a minute today and let Him wash over you with a reminder of who He is in your life.

I felt God prompting me this morning to encourage all of my brothers and sisters in Christ who are fasting. He is faithful, friends. Everything you are praying for already has an answer. Stay focused and allow Him to reveal His truth and purpose to you in His timing. Don’t fret is you falter. Pick yourself up and try again tomorrow. His grace is more than sufficient to cover all of your mistakes. Remember to give Him praise each day. Build Him an altar in your heart and He’ll send the Holy fire to consume you. He wants you to know that you have the right to claim victory in His name! Focus on Him today and let the world fall away.

I love you friends and am praying for you. It amuses me that one of the answers to my fasting prayers is the opportunity to minister to you. Be blessed in Christ today!

“the enemy has been defeated. Death couldn’t hold You down. We’re gonna lift our voice in victory, we’re gonna make Your praises loud!”

In Christ,

B

New you or better you?

This year as I hear all of these comments on creating a "new you" for the new year, my heart hurts. I'm just as guilty as anyone with using the beginning of a new year as a way to redirect my attention to positive changes in my life. At what point do we stop attempting to recreate ourselves and just try to improve ourselves? Personally, I engage in some spiritual activity at the beginning of every year, not out of habit, ritual or wanting to change who I am, but out of a desire to let God have the first of my year to chart the course of my life for the next twelve months and to shape me into who He created me to be. I do not seek for a "new" me to emerge, just a better me. There is so much about myself that I treasure and love – I would never want that person to disappear. January offers so much more than just a time to "get fit" physically, emotionally or financially – yet EVERYDAY we have the opportunity to make the choice to change something. Maybe you seek to eat better, date more, save money, drink less, quit smoking – whatever your desire is for 2012 shouldn't hinge on the fact that a new year offers the chance for a new you. Lamentations 2:22-23 says "The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." That scripture doesn't say "new every year." It says "new each morning." Each day you awake and are able to place your feet on the floor – you have an opportunity to change the course of your life. Why wait until the beginning of a new year? Why not make a conscious decision each and every morning to try something new, eat better, love more, share often, and be positive. If you wait for tomorrow, you may find yourself never having arrived. Set goals – yes, work hard –yes; but do not trick yourself into believing a failure one day will not lead to victory the next. Keep trying.

I realize this post is all over the map today. There is so much I want to share with you about the revelation God is giving me, but I can't do so yet. Let me just leave you with the thought that you are abundantly blessed and ridiculously loved by your Creator. God cares for you more than you or anyone else ever will. Give Him the best of your effort and watch Him bless the rest.